Attack of the Killer Clams-Love Honeys Sqweel

When the review’s representative from Love Honey contacted me announcing the launch of a “brand new sex toy” that was so hush-hush that they wouldn’t even tell me what the product would be except that it was a “revolution in orgasms”, well my curiosity was indeed piqued.  When the Sqweel arrived, instead of satisfying it, my curiosity grew even more.  What was this clam-shaped apparatus that came in an odd shaped box and looked like a builder’s black measuring tape?  After a few moments I figured out how to open it and once I saw what was inside I said out loud, “Whoa!”  It looked comical at first, this series of pink silicone tongues attached to a wheel that spins like a miniature water-wheel, if it wasn’t pure brilliance. And, I thought to myself, “Yes, yes, I can see how this might be a ‘revolution in orgasms’ that mimics oral sex!”  But, innovative ideas like the Cone and the We-Vibe are not always as awesome as they are cracked up to be.  So, how would it work?

Well, not as I imagined.  First of all, the object design is flat and round, with a slight wedge on one end that is meant to be used as the handle.  Ergonomically, it is not shaped well for ideal comfort when holding and trying to position the wheel of tongues at your target—the clitoris and labia.  As I lay back and got myself into position, I couldn’t figure out how to hold it comfortably for long without changing hands and positions.  Next, the wheel itself is so large it covers the entire vulva, as you try to position it over your sweet spot, the clit.  Again, I tried maneuvering the Sqweel around to find the perfect spot, but it just wouldn’t happen.  It takes three AAA batteries which were provided and has three spinning settings: mild, medium and max.  Even on max with the tongues whirring invisibly, I couldn’t get the Sqweel close enough to my clit without the pressure making it stop.  And, on max, the tongues felt rough and chafing like a cat’s sandpaper tongue, even with lube.  So I tried it back on the two lower settings, and still no deal.  Every time I positioned it close enough to feel it on my clit, it would shut down.  The final moment when I gave up was when it plucked a public hair out from my mound of Venus, causing considerable pain and making me end my mission with the Sqweel.  Note to self—“Trim public hair.”  So, my adventure with this strange, new and innovative contraption unfortunately did not make me Sqweel!

The Sqweel won Love Honey’s Design a Sex Toy competition a few years ago.  And, although a creative idea, it fails in practical use.  In her review, Epiphora described the feeling “like an attack of silicone tongues” and then Carnivalesq went on to say how it was “Like a really bad horror flick”.  This cracked me up and inspired me think of Attack of the Killer Clams, an imaginary B horror flick that will undoubtedly be inspired by this toy as it licks you to death and plucks out your public hairs, one by one, with its ten spiraling tongues until you squeal like a piggy.  Now, that’s scary!  Come to think of it, this would have worked very well for my Strange Sex Toys Series.  Seriously, though and all in good humor…

While I didn’t enjoy the Sqweel, it has gotten many rave reviews, so obviously it worked for some people. The good thing is you can try it out and Love Honey offers a guarantee—“have an orgasm or your money back”.  But, you will have to wait until October 23^rd as the Sqweel has sold out on Love Honey’s website.

Thank you to Love Honey for allowing me to test out the Sqweel.