Lately I’ve been wondering once you have started being kinky, once your feet are on that path can you ever really have vanilla sex again? Or is vanilla lost forever, permanently retired and unreachable through barriers of kink. Of course I can’t answer that question without first considering what vanilla sex is. I looked it up and it seems the common definition is that it is sex which doesn’t involve kink, BDSM or fetish, a very broad definition and one that could be taken many different ways by different people.
What is vanilla for one will not be vanilla for others, and similarly what is kink or fetish for some will not be kink or fetish for others. But that is a whole other discussion so I’m going to take that baseline definition and add my own experience which has for most of my life been lesbian sex which included a small number of positions, no toys, no bondage and definitely no cocks. Vanilla lesbian sex between two women who perform similar acts on each other which could include stimulating genitalia, finger fucking and oral sex. Nothing wrong with that, it was good sex, and had anyone asked then I would have said we had a great sex life, both fulfilling and satisfying. But it was definitely vanilla, with the same acts repeated each time, no experimentation and rarely any significant verbal communication either in or out of the bedroom.
When that changed it changed dramatically, it coincided with other changes which complimented the move to non-vanilla and opened the floodgates. Introduce one non-vanilla sexual practice and suddenly a whole load of stuff jumps up, a little bondage leads so easily to spanking, to domination, to power exchanges. Experimentation is suddenly rife and the old familiar acts fade into the background replaced by a range of new, more exciting activities. As for verbal communication, it’s now a vital and liberating part of sex, before, during, after and any other time we feel like talking about it.
There is no longer any pussyfooting around, which in my experience has been an unfortunate side effect of lesbian relationships. Maybe that happens in hetrosexual relationships too but that is beyond my experience so I can’t really comment, except to say it seems conceivable because our society so often stamps on desire. A basic function and want in us is crushed and we are conditioned to think it’s not ok to want sex, that wanting sex equates to being bad or perverted or demanding. When I accept (and I’m still working on this) that it’s fine and good and natural to want sex then it has a massively freeing effect. When I give myself permission to want sex and to want the kind of sex which is not vanilla, it becomes so much more than a simple physical act.
But can I go back? Can I switch it off and return to only vanilla? Once you’ve gone kinky is any sex, even the tamest really vanilla? Are you tainted forever more does the nature of your kinky thoughts, even if you force them into the far reaches of your mind, preclude the possibility of plain old sex. I can try, I can perform vanilla acts and exclude anything which could be considered kink, BDSM or fetish but there will always be a stumbling block.
When I was vanilla my identity was different, now my identity is true, the real me has emerged and that includes the kinky part as well as the other bits. Now I have control in the bedroom I can’t give it up, add to that the embracing of my masculine side and the host of toys we now have available and the result is that we can’t have the kind of sex we used to have. It’s just impossible on so many levels.
A sexual act may be vanilla or considered vanilla but the mind cannot revert back to being vanilla. It is my mind that is perverted and my body is just along for the ride. The decision to only partake in vanilla sex would not make my perversions go away, I would simply be suppressing what I think is a innate part of my make up. I know that my kinky bit isn’t new, it was always there just covered, buried and denied so while I could try to re-bury it that wouldn’t make it go away, it would just make me a liar.
I think it is certainly possible to partake in vanilla sex but that doesn’t switch off the kink or perverted aspect. It’s still there, still lurking in the back of my mind and waiting to spill over into any sexual act. And often it does even if it’s just in my head and not in the act itself, for me vanilla will forever more be covered in or even spring from some form of mental or physical perversion.