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My last column talked about control and domination, both of which I want yet neither of which is possible without permission. Permission is agreement, acknowledgement and approval. Permission is also consent and freedom. There are for me two types of permission as far as BDSM is concerned, external and internal.

External permission comes from my wife, without her permission I cannot indulge in any of the perverted practices I enjoy so much. She has the ultimate power because she gives me permission to be in control, to dominate, to make her my sexual submissive. If she said no to any or all of my kinks then they would go no further. Thankfully she does give me permission, she enjoys her role and therefore allows me to enjoy mine. It is entirely consensual, our desires are balanced and well matched but she is always free to withdraw consent for any of our activities at anytime.

Permission from my wife is negotiated mainly outside a scene, we talk about what works and what doesn’t. We discuss our favourite parts and explore potential for new twists or activities. Prior to a scene she doesn’t know the details of what will happen, she may have some ideas, I might tease her with small amounts of information or suggestions but that is all. So the permission I have from my wife is overall consent to play within a broad area that we have talked about and tested. It is also permission to push against boundaries a little, with the knowledge that she will tell me if I’ve gone too far.

I can also choose to withdraw permission for any of our activities as well, but it works in a slightly different way. I know what will happen in a scene, I’ve worked it out in my head, if there is something that I don’t want to do, I simply don’t do it. Instead I focus on the kind of play I want at that particular time. This is tied in with internal permission, the permission I have to give myself to partake in BDSM which can be very hard to grant at times. I am good at blocking, at burying what I want or ignoring it even when it’s staring me in the face. I have an exceptional ability to stuff things firmly into compartments and wedge them shut. Even when I have allowed myself to enjoy some perverse activity once I can still deny myself that pleasure.

There are levels of permission where any sexual activity is concerned and the first level is admitting it’s perfectly natural and good to enjoy sex. I’m pretty good at that one now as well as accepting that I am generally kinky and perverted. But giving myself permission gets harder the further I go down into the darker levels of my filthy mind. It is most difficult accepting and allowing those things which I find most exciting, daring and dirty, these are the things I really need to work on in terms of permission. Things like using language more freely as a means to gaining new levels of submission. Or fully recognising and enjoying the side of me that is Daddy and Dom.

Both external and internal permission equal freedom to enjoy all aspects of sex. The permission I have from my wife is a privilege and a precious gift. The permission I give myself is empowering but I have to give it to myself more so I can really let my imagination fly and plummet deep into depths.

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