Everyone has their own individual reality. We all experience life through a host of factors even if we are sharing the same experiences. I could go to a concert along with thousands of others but every single person will see, hear and feel it differently.
Physically no one will be in exactly the same position, even for those right next to each other there will be a variation in angles. Although the source music will be the same it will be heard differently and the mix of additional noises (clapping, talking etc.) will vary. Our senses and how we use them are very personal to us, for some it will be the sounds that touch them the most and for others it will be the sights. Psychologically our memories and history will come into play, a certain song may spark a strong reaction in one where it won’t in another. Emotionally it might leave us happy, disappointed, excited or a host of others feelings to varying degrees.
When it comes to those we love, family, friends and particularly partners, there is a desire to match realities. We want our experiences to be shared, enjoyed and appreciated by those around us. We also want to share the important aspects of their lives, to know how they feel and what makes them happy or sad.
We choose our partners because we find them alluring, sexy, funny, clever etc. We like their personalities, agree with their beliefs, a whole host of different things attract us. But essentially it’s about a desire to share realities. However it doesn’t matter how close we are to someone we cannot have the exact same reality, we can just attempt to get close to each other’s realities.
When it comes to topping/bottoming there is a much more pronounced deviation in the reality. Both take part in the same physical acts but from very different perspectives, the reality is shared but from different angles. It strikes me that while I strive to experience my wife’s reality as closely as possible in most areas of our lives I also strive to separate our realities in the bedroom.
I am not submissive and my wife is not a top. We are both very happy with our roles and it is unlikely to change. In a scene I want her experience to be the antithesis of mine. I want her to feel as submissive as possible and I want to be as dominant as possible. What we are doing is working together to share a reality from completely opposite views instead of working together to match our realities as closely as possible.
If I tie my wife down on the bed I am restricting her vision because she can only move her head and I’m restricting her movement so she can’t use her sense of touch. Generally I’ve narrowed her senses and limited her ability to act independently. At the same time I’ve heightened my own senses, I can move to any point in the room and spend time looking from every angle. I can touch as little or as much as I want, I’ve created a situation where my senses have time to absorb and remember. That situation is mine to control but also to filled with acts that will bring pleasure to us both.
Somehow that all adds up to an extremely poignant unity. By accepting our distinct roles and trying to experience a scene from our own unique view points we actually achieve a much stronger sense of having shared the experience.