BDSM Culture: Are You a Dom or a Sub?
BDSM is a misunderstood concept. What some see as rough sex play that revolves around spanking, leather, handcuffs, and gags (and yes, it does include those things) isn’t all that the BDSM community is based on. In fact, there’s quite a lot of generosity, nurturing, and a pretty strict rule book that allows those who participate in BDSM to build trusting relationships that are built off more than just sex and pain.
Many people are scared of BDSM because the examples they’ve seen in entertainment and media are somewhat sensationalized and certainly not explained past the outfits and the dungeons. BDSM can actually be a way to heal post-sexual assault, a tool to revitalize a couple’s sex life as well as their overall intimacy, and simply a fun way to explore one’s sexuality.
You don’t have to take a BDSM test to figure out if you’re more a dom or a sub, though you certainly can. If you’re looking to explore BDSM, but don’t know where you fall on the spectrum of dominant or submissive, as yourself these questions.
What Turns You On?
Everyone has different kinks, fantasies, and erogenous zones. When you’re looking to get into BDSM, you’ll want to focus on what gets you the most turned on in the bedroom and with a partner. But for some people, they’re not even sure what that is.
If you aren’t sure what turns you on, consider your fantasies. Even if you’ve never shared these fantasies with anyone else, they could be the path towards what you’re craving or want to explore sexually.
Who’s Got the Power?
If you find that many of these fantasies are based on a power dynamic, as in you either want it or want it exerted onto you, it might be time to try BDSM. And it’s definitely the time to explore your relationship to power in sex.
Power dynamics in the bedroom can transcend the ones we are used to or comfortable with within society. For example, many men who identify as masochistic are probably your boss, your put-together friend, or even someone who exudes a dominating presence. Anyone can be into BDSM, and whatever they prefer is up to them.
If you find yourself more attracted to having the power in the sexual scenario, then you’re likely more of a Dom in the bedroom (though you could also be a switch, which is the term used for those in BDSM who are interested in both the dominant and submissive roles), but if you are more attracted to having less power in the sexual scenario, then you’re more likely a sub.
Hot tip: although it seems like the submissive is the one who’s being controlled in the bedroom, they are actually the ones with the most power over how far things go and when they stop. Which brings us to the next question you should ask yourself.
What’s Your Safe Word?
You can choose anything you want, but make sure you have a safe word and are using whenever you feel uncomfortable in a BDSM situation.
